My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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