It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
