That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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