just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
