I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
