Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
