theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
