She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
