Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
