Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
