so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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