We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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