I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
