when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Randomize
