Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
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