I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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