i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
