So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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