You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
