Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize