one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
