I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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