Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
