My hand turned me down
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
