found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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