Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
