if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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