I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
