did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
