Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
