Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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