cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
