I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
