Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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