I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
