Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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