I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
