If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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