I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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