we have officially mastered the walk of shame
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
