I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
