Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
