Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
