How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
