Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
