Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize