mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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