Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
