as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
