I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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