honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
oh yeah. preciate
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
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There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
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Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?