I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.