I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.